This is officially my new favorite Taylor Swift. She is currently my favorite artist, and has been for the past few months. Check out this song: "I'd Lie". I find it amazing.

I'd Lie by Taylor Swift

“You don’t even talk to me like that anymore – and when you do, it’s only to ask me for rides home.”

Of all the things that have been said to me in my lifetime, those 21 words – that one sentence – has made it into the top three phrases to break me.

You’re probably reading this right now, and because it’s out of context, you’re probably sitting at your computer, reading this blog on my page and going, “Wow. Grow some balls, Shani. It’s not even that serious.” Hell, if I were in your position, I would probably be saying the same exact thing.

I guess I should probably put this into context for you.

You see, I am an extremely passionate and sensitive person.

Okay, that was a lie. I am an extremely caring and passionate person. Sensitive, yes, but not to the extent which was painted in your mind when I stated that first statement. I do not cry over spilled milk or broken nails. I would go as far as to say that I don’t cry at romance movies, but that would be a lie, because I bawled my eyes out at the end of Ten Things I Hate About You. I’ll go as far as to admit that I cried for about a half hour after the finale of season one of Gossip Girl when Dan and Serena broke up. I straight up cried, sobbed, and bawled – whatever you want to call it. I am excused from that, however, because I am a hopeless romantic, and things like that are just bound to make me cry no matter how you look at it.

That was a random tangent; anyway.

I am an extremely caring and passionate person. If you are my a person I consider to be my closest friend, you will hear me say numerous times that I will take a bullet for you – and mean it. If you’re pretty much my whole life, you will hear me say I will take TWO bullets for you – and mean it. Let me be clear. These people should NOT go around trying to get shot just because they know I’m going to take a bullet for them. I’m not saying that I would do it arbitrarily; I’m saying that if they just so happened to be getting shot in my line of vision, I would take the bullet (or two).  

But I digress. If you’re in either of those two groups of people, you should probably know that I will never, ever give up on you, no matter how many times you mess things up. I don’t judge people based on what they do to themselves – I judge them based on what they do to me and to others around me – usually. I put my mind, body, soul – and most importantly – my heart into everything that has to do with you – if you’re put into either of those two categories: the “I’ll-take-bullet-for-you” friends or the “I’ll-take-TWO-bullets-for-you” friends. To be honest, there are about five people in total in both groups combined. No, I lied. There are FOUR people in those groups; two people in each group. There is no need to name any names, being that they should know who they are.

Anyway.

The person that said the quotation above – [insert name here] – was in the category which emphasizes how I would take two bullets for them. Why? Basically because this was a person that I felt that would a)be the most likely candidate out of all my friends to get shot – first anyway – and b) because this person is just a really good person overall. Obviously, the first reason was a joke. But I mean point b with every fiber of my being.

The thing about [insert name here], though, is that he makes it so hard for me to talk to him. Incredibly hard. And it hurts me because the only things I’ve tired to do for him is be there – and he won’t let me. And as much as he shuts me down and makes me feel like the scum of the earth, as much as he makes me cry and makes me feel like no one, and as much as he refuses to do crap for me unless he has no excuse to say no, I still don’t give up on the kid. Give up in a friendly sense, I mean, before you go and get ideas in that naïve little head of yours. My other friends have told me time and time again that he’s not worth the time and effort, but I’m not going to give up. I can’t. When I put it in my mind that I’m willing to take two bullets for someone, I’m not just going to not make an effort to be their friend. I’m going to make EVERY effort – and then some – to be there as much as I can. That’s just how I am, and there’s nothing that will change that. I’m still deciding whether or not that’s unfortunate.

The reason why those hurt me so much, is because it just proved to me that he just doesn’t see the amount of time and effort I put into trying to talk to him; trying to get coherent sentences (Hell, at this point, I’ll settle for mere fragments.) out of him. He just refuses to see that I try to be a friend to him, and that he makes it so difficult for me to do so. In all honesty, I guess you could say I try to hard. But at this point, if I don’t initiate anything, then no words will be exchanged at all.

I know he says all this bullshit about being an “internal sufferer” and blah, blah, blah. But I’m just trying to BE there for the kid. That’s all.

For him to say that I only talk to him when I want shit, is so messed up of him, especially since he KNOWS that’s not the case. I do try to get conversation out of him, but it’s so incredibly hard to do that! I could seriously sit here and give you examples of how many times a week he ignores my existence. I can’t give you exact times and dates and shit, but you get my point.

For example: he hurt himself kind of during time trials on the 20^th (I only have that date because it’s written on my calendar. I do NOT have a notebook in which I document everything he does to me that puts me in a bad mood, for all of you out there who are reading this and going: “YOU’RE COOL.”) of this month or whatever, and he was kind of limping and he looked defeated and all that good shit. Being the good friend that I was, I left my other friend that I was having a legit conversation with and went up to him and said, “Hey. Are you okay?” All he did was, mumble, “Yeah,” and shove past me. How the hell do you talk to someone after that?

Here’s an even better example, in school, if I see him, I’ll run up to him to say hi, and he’ll automatically assume that I want something. The day of this thing they call a chocolate competition (WHICH IS ALL BULL I TELL YOU! JANINE’S BIRDHOUSE SHOULD HAVE STOLEN THE WHOLE THING!), I went up to him to tell him congratulations – nothing else. I wasn’t planning on asking him for a piece of his cake, because I genuinely wanted to wish him luck; I really wanted him to win. I run up to him, and I open my mouth, and I didn’t even SAY anything before he goes, “Shani, I can’t bring you chocolate.” You have no idea how defeated I felt after he pulled that stunt. It hurt me so bad to think that of me. I just looked at him and said, “I wasn’t going to ask you for chocolate. I came to wish you good luck.” (Of course, after he said, “Aww.” I went, “But since you wanted to be an ass and assume the worst of me, you can bring me some.” I think that was completely necessary since he gave me the idea, anyway.)

I can go even FURTHER back, and tell you that he thought that I was only friends with him and only vented to him because I “liked him”. Not to brag or anything, but I happen to be a sista was some pretty legit swagg. If I really want a dude, I will pull some serious swagg out my back pocket and do my thing. But that wasn’t even the issue. For him to think that I was that shallow was beyond me. What hurt even MORE than that was when I said, “Do you really think I’m that shallow?”, he shrugged. SHRUGGED. I am NOT like that. When I like someone, I do not use my problems to get them to feel sorry for me; that’s downright disgraceful, and it’s a pretty low move, if you ask me.

It’s weird, because I really thought that [insert name here] would realize how much I really do try. Yes, I frequently ask him for rides (because I don’t particularly enjoy a 40 minute walk in the cold or the heat with a 10 pound bag on my back, my parents both work in the city and don’t get home until 6:30pm the earliest, and my school doesn’t provide a bus for my town being that the school is in my town), but me and him both know very damn well that a majority of our conversations have nothing to do with me wanting something – unless you count me wanting him to just take the time and listen to me when I’m hurting as “wanting something”.

I try so hard to be a good friend, and every single time I do, he just shuts me down. It’s so hard for me to sit there and take it, because like I’ve said many times before, I don’t give up on people I would take bullets for.

It’s funny, though. The [insert name here] I knew around this time last year, wasn’t like this at all. I didn’t have to try so hard to be his friend; I didn’t have to write him a 5 page letter for his birthday (granted, we didn’t talk on his birthday, but you get my point) just to show him that I was going to be there or to salvage our friendship. I could just be me, and that was fine. Now, I have to work so hard, and it hurts me more and more when I realize that there is one reason why he’s doing this. To know that because that I used to like him (used to as in like 6 months ago; which is a long ass time ago, might I add), he’s acting like this, hurts me. To know that I brought this all upon myself just kills me. If I could go back in time, I would seriously wish that I liked him at all, if it meant losing someone I considered a close friend, and having this new version of him in my life hurting me like this.

I’m pathetic. Not because I just sat here and vented to the computer, but because I know that even though I know that after all that I’ve just typed, any other person in my shoes would have just left him to go through whatever he’s going through alone, I just can’t do that. I’m not going to leave my friend in the dark. I don’t do that.

But out of everything I typed, there is only one thing that hurts me the most:

…the very person that had used his words to captivate me was the same person who used his words to slice open my heart.

“You don’t even talk to me like that anymore – and when you do, it’s only to ask me for rides home.”

I just posted this File of Facts widget for 250 credits. You can earn free credits too!

"You're Not Sorry" is my favorite song by Taylor Swift.
I don't feel I have to explain why it is, just read the lyrics, and it will be pretty self-explanatory if you know the whole situation with [insert name here].

You're Not Sorry

All this time I was wasting,
hoping you would come around.
I've been giving out chances every time,
and all you do it let me down.
And it's taken me this long baby,
but I've figured you out.
And you're hoping we be fine again,
but now this time around.

(chorus:)
You don't have to call anymore,
I won't pick up the phone.
This is the last straw,
don't wanna hurt anymore.
And you can tell me that you're sorry,
but I don't believe you baby -
like I did before.
You're not sorry.
No, no. No. No.

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know.
Could have loved you all my life
if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold.
And you've got your share of secrets,
and I'm tired of being last to know.
And now you're asking me to listen
because it's worked each time before.

(chorus)

You had crying for you honey,
and it never would have gone away.
You used to shine so bright,
but I watched all of it fade.

(chorus two:)
So you don't have to call anymore,
I won't pick up the phone.
This is the last straw;
there's nothing left to beg for.
And you can tell me that you're sorry,
but I don't believe you baby -
like I did before.
You're not sorry.
No, no. No. No.
You're not sorry.
No, no. No. No.
No, no. No. No.
No, no. No. No.

Edit: The music loader is not working, so I had to post you a youtube video with the song on it (which is the link of the title). Sorry. ): 

As many of you know, me and [insert name here] don't exactly have the greatest relationship friendship.
Basically, after his whole reaction to the letter (or lack thereof), I stopped talking to him, because all he was doing was causing me heartache. We didn't talk about it, and the issue was unresolved. It began eating away at me slowly, because everything he had done had finally reached it's peak with me, and I couldn't take it anymore. I made a vow to myself to sit him down as soon as we went back to school, and explain to him how his actions have been making me feel.  I liked that plan.

Anyway. On Monday, my best friend Yangyang had a track meet. [insert name here] is on the team. Yangyang and [insert name here] used to date. They dated for like two weeks before it failed miserably. -_- But I digress.

On Monday, [insert name here] told Yangyang something that freaked her out, so being that me and him are "best friends" (her words, not mine), she called me freaking out and telling me that I had to help him because she couldn't. After an exchange of words, I decided I would call him to check up on him. I felt so bad for him. He was an emotional wreck on Monday (according to Yangyang). May I note that he didn't know that I knew that Yangyang had told me this.

So I called him. While he let his phone ring 82412489234 times, and I was waiting, it dawned on me that he hadn't returned a phone call I had left him a bunch of weeks ago about how I really needed to get out of my house before I did something stupid.

And then I got angry. The phone continued ringing, and suddently I remembered that he hadn't been there for me in the past four months at all. And that got me angrier. I couldn't remember why I was calling him (I was supposed to be checking up on him). A cloud of smoke had clouded my brain and thoughts, and had ignited a fire within me. The anger inside me increased each time the phone rang. By the time he picked up, I was pretty pissed because of all the things I remembered.

I said to myself, "Fuck waiting until break is over; I'm doing this NOW."

me: [insert name here]? *very pissed off voice*

[insert name here]: heyyy! whats up? *very cheerful voice*

me: yeah yeah. look, we seriously need to talk about some thigns.

[insert name here]: yeahh..i need to talk to you too.

me: ..why do YOU need to talk to ME?

[insert name here]: well, i just got your message, and it said something about us not being friends or not being on speaking terms or somethign? whats that all about?

(Let's see. I leave you a message about a month ago, and you coincidentally tell me you listened to it just now, implying you were planning on calling me. Ironically, when you're about to call because you "need to talk to me", I call. Hmm.)

[insert name here]: oh, and i heard something about me making you cry. when did that happen?

me: okay. uhm i called you, so youre gonna listen to me.

[insert name here]: ...damn. okay.

me: answer me honestly. DID I DO ANYTHING TO YOU?!

[insert name here]: whatthefuck?

me: have i done anything to you that i need to know about?

[insert name here]: ..no. whats going on?

me: then do you want to explain to me

me: how every time i see you, you pretend not to know me? or see me?

[insert name here]: ...what?!

me: dont pretend you dont do it.

[insert name here]: ...

me: at first, i thought i was seeing shit.

me: but when my friends are w/ me and they see it too, i know somethings going down.

me: so now im giving you the oppurtunity to tell me what i did wrong.

[insert name here]: shani. i dont -

me: yes you do! its not just me seeing this shit anymore.

[insert name here]: *sighs; sounds shaken up* shani.

me: ...

(Okay, at this point I can admit that I totally cut him off, which was a pretty bitchy move. However, I was pretty pissed, and I didn't want to hear him say, "I don't know what you're talking about." or "I don't think I did that." or anything of that nature. That would only fuel my anger.)

me: mhmmm.

me: have i done anything to you that i need to know about?

[insert name here]: NO! shani. where is this coming from?

me: *voice breaking* and what hust me the most,

me: is that you dont talk to ant when im there

me: ant is your BEST FRIEND. and you cant talk to him just because im there.

[insert name here]: shani -
(Okay, at this point I can admit that I totally cut him off...AGAIN. I don't even think that clicked to me until I was retelling the conversation. -_- )

me: [insert name here] how the hell do you think that makes me feel?! i feel like a bitch!

[insert name here]: shani i dont.

me: last time i checked, you were in the wrong. so youre gonna let me finish.

[insert name here]: ...

me: to see you running towards ant all happy and shit, and then see you make eye contact w/ me and stop short and then just tap his back like nothing, HURT ME.

[insert name here]: im not avoiding ant just becasue youre there!

me: ..thats not what it looks like, [insert name here].

[insert name here]: shani. why are you doing this?!

me: im not doing anything.

(I could NOT believe he asked me that. What the freak does he mean by "Why are you doing this?!" I am not doing anything. All I am doing is telling him what he's been doing to me for the past few months.)

 [insert name here]: where is this coming from?!

me: ...whatever.

(When he said that, I was like to myself, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?! I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU DID! THEREFORE IT IS COMING FROM YOU AND YOUR ACTIONS.")

[insert name here]: yeah. uhm. *can hear shock in his voice*

[insert name here]: someone told me i made you cry? that something i said made you cry?

(I seriously need to stop telling Yanny things; holy shit. This is the second time she's relayed information to him that I didn't want him to know.)

me: *considers denying it*

me: *laughs sarcastically* yeah. you did.

[insert name here]: shani what did i say?

me: *tells him the story of how when we were sitting by his locker and he was being an ass and said its stupid to tell ppl my problems, that i need to get myself together, and i need to get help*

[insert name here]: shani i never said that! when was this?!

me: the day you made the baby spiderman.

[insert name here]: *sighs* ..what? OH YEAH. that day by the lockers.

me: ...

[insert name here]: well, shani. what did you expect me to say?

me: well, something that wouldnt make me cry!

[insert name here]: shani..

me: LET ME FINISH.

me: you were supposed to UNDERSTAND.

me: [insert name here] you didnt even have to say shit.

me: all you had to do was understand! you didnt have to even put anything in. just understand.

[insert name here]: shani -

me: and what makes it worse; what makes it hurt more

me: is that when i was telling you, one of my friends walked by and later pointed out to me that you didnt even give a fuck.

me: she could tell by your stance.

[insert name here]: shani what did you expect me to say?!

me: NOT WHAT YOU SAID!

[insert name here]: *sighs* shani. okay. shani. i promise to say hi to you every time i see you.
(This proves to me that the kid TOTALLY missed the point. The point was to stop treating me like ass. Instead he totally ignores that and tells me he'll start saying hi. That was definitely not the point. For a senior, he's sooooo oblivious.)

me: [insert name here], thats not the poi-

me: nevermind

me: look, sometimes its just too late.

[insert name here]: SHANI. *sighs, exasperated*

me: whatever.

[insert name here]: shani, its gonna be okay.

me: *scoffs* whats gonna be okay?

[insert name here]: everything.

[insert name here]: everything is gonna be okay.

me: *scoffs again* i think its a bit too late for you to be saying that now..

[insert name here]: *dead silence*

me: *near tears of anger; voice broken* look, i was just calling to see if i had done anything to you or whatever. ill talk to you later. bye.

[insert name here]: iight. lat-

me: *hangs up before voice can break*

At first, I was proud of myself for finally standing up for him and letting him know how he was making me feel. That lasted for all of Tuesday afternoon. By Tuesday night, I was in a serious bout of depression and I was beating myself up (emotionally) for doing so. I cried myself to sleep that night, and Wednesday night. I woke up this morning feeling as if I didn't deserve to be alive.

So now, the question how does the title of this blog relate to me? The answer is quite simple.

Throughout the whole conversation, I was convinced that I hated him. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't hate him, I don't hate, and I won't ever hate him. I can't. The only person I hate right now is myself, for doing that to him; for going about the whole situation that way.

I know that if I had let him talk, I would have forgiven him. And that time, I didn't want to. You see, it's always like this: [insert name here] does stupid shit; we fight and stop talking; i miss him and i go into a daze; i forgive him; he cools down for a couple days; he does stupid shit again. It's a never ending cycle, and quite frankly, I'm tired of this never ending cycle. I just wanted it to stop.

But now - now, I think I hurt myself more than I hurt him (if I hurt him at all). And I feel like a bitch. And I want to call him and apologize, but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and call him. I just can't do it. I don't know if it's because I'm stubborn, or I'm scared I'm going to fall back into the same cycle I've been trying to get out of so long.

All I know is that this is not healthy.

I wish there was a way that I could get out of this and still be his friend.

...although to be quite honest, if I were him, I wouldn't talk to me ever again.

I hate this.